Dear Diary

Quite honestly, I’m realising now how scary life can be if you put yourself out there. I have literally been writing this blog for years and though it wasn’t always online, I have been writing in journals since I can remember. However, ever since I have been putting up my life on here, I feel as if I should tell you more.

I am turning twenty in three weeks and four days. I am currently dating an English man. I am obsessed with make-up and the art form that it is. I also have an obsessive personality.

And quite honestly, I feel like I need to be completely honest with you about something I care about. Film and television.

I know it can sound awfully weird and slightly geeky. But, that’s what I do.

So from now on, every now and again on this blog you can expect more about film and television.

Have an amazing day & night.

Sophie

 

Dear you,

I am excited to talk about something i have a big passion for.

Television programmes. Specifically the ones that talk about important issues

Don’t get me wrong I love fantasy where you can escape this shitty world and find a different one where your problems don’t matter, but at the end of the day you still have to come back to reality.

That’s why Th1rteen R3asons Why, might be one of the most beautiful television programmes to appear on Netflix. It is so heartbreakingly accurate to most average high schools.

For those who have not seen it yet, I’ll try my best not to spoil it, but I really do recommend you watch it. 

To avoid spoilers, I’ll use the blurb of the book it was based on.

‘Clay Jensen returns home to find a strange package with his name on it. Inside he discovers several cassette tapes recorded by Hannah Baker – his classmate and first love – who committed suicide two weeks earlier.

Hannah’s voice explains there are thirteen reasons why she killer herself. Clay is one of them. If he listens, he’ll find out why.

All through the night, Clay keeps listening – and what he discovers will change his life forever.’ 

To say this kind of subject is still made taboo even with it being the second most common reason for death in teenagers and young people. So, why am I writing this?

Personally, watching it, a season that takes roughly thirteen hours to watch, I completed Th1rteen R3asons Why in under twenty four hours, slightly sad I’m well aware, however as a media student it is hard to impress me with any kind of text, this on the other hand, talks about things that we as humans should be able to talk about. 

(It also gives trigger warnings to anything that is seen as harmful/uncomfortable to viewers.)

Th1rteen r3asons why shows real life problems and focuses these problems in a high school location: which is amazing, because it shows so many people that even in high school you can go through these problems.

Anyway, i do highly recommend you go and watch the TV series on Netflix.

And if you are having suicidal thoughts and or know someone who may be know there are ways to get through this, don’t try and face this by yourself.

If you are feeling suicidal please contact any of these links:

  • SupportLine Telephone Helpline: 01708 765200, email info@supportline.org.uk or write to SupportLine at PO Box 2860, Romford, Essex RM7 1JA – Provides emotional support and details of support groups, helplines, agencies and counsellors throughout the UK

  • Calm: 0800 585858www.thecalmzone.net – Campaign Against Living Miserably Help and support for young men aged 15-35 on issues which include depression and suicide.

  • HopeLine UK – 0800 068 4141 β€“ for practical advice on suicide prevention www.papyrus-uk.org

  • Lifeline (N.Ireland) 
    0808 808 8000 
    www.lifelinehelpline.info
    For anyone in N.Ireland who is in distress or despair. Immediate help on phone 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Face to face counselling can be arranged, also befriending, mentoring. Issues dealt with include suicide prevention, self harm, abuse, trauma, depression, anxiety. 
    Run by Contact N.Ireland www.contactni.com independent counselling service employing professional qualified counselors who have extensive experience of working with people facing a wide range of problems, free to all users.

  • Premier Lifeline
    0300 111 0101 
    www.premier.org.uk/lifeline 
    Helpline providing a listening service, information, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective

  • Samaritans:
    Helpline: 116 123
     (free of charge from a landline or mobile)
    Email jo@samaritans.org
    www.samaritans.org
    24 hr helpline offering emotional support for people who are experiencing feelings of distress or despair, including those which may lead to suicide

Useful websites

  • www.cwmt.org
    In memory of Charlie Waller – awareness, information and resources for those who are depressed

  • http://www.healthtalk.org/
    Others who have been bereaved by suicide share their experiences
  • www.olagola.com
    Day to day support service and crisis support to help reduce suicide, depression and other stress related illnesses to service users who are in need of emotional support and encouragement. Instant online support for any person who may be experiencing something in their life which they may be finding difficult to cope with. Also peer to peer support facilitated and monitored through facebook by trained admins where service users support each other through discussion, topics and open forums  https://www.facebook.com/olagola

  • www.metanoia.org/suicide

  • www.stampoutsuicide.org.uk – Points of contact for those feeling down, depressed and/or suicidal

  • www.theblackdog.net – Supportive site for men who suffer from depression and/or suicidal thoughts

Thank you to supportlink.org for providing different help lines.

All my love, hoping you are safe.

Sophie 

Dear you,

Period. Period. Period.

I know 1/5 people who read this will find talking about periods vile and uncomfortable, but I am here to ask why?

What’s wrong with the blood coming out of me? I wouldn’t find it horrific if your arm was bleeding, so why is it different if it does from my vagina?

I understand that it can be uncomfortable to men who obviously don’t bleed once a month, however, to those who have a girlfriend or sister or female best friends or in some cases girls who cannot get used to to the idea of blood. I would like to say nothing i say is meant to come across as harsh or rude, it’s simply that i refuse to be looked at as disgusting for something i simply cannot help.

I bleed.

I bleed because there is no baby inside me. And yet, I’m disgusting?

Why?

Yet, if i didn’t bleed and I had a baby at 19 would I be looked down on as a human being? Of course by certain people, they would look at me and say I had my whole life in front of me? That a baby is a precious thing that I will never truly love them because they stopped my life, made me leave my current life to help their own.

But that’s not true, women who give birth young have been amazing mum, I know many people who have made an even better life for themselves because they’ve got themselves something to live for and something to truly love.

And i don’t care – I know I’m bleeding and I’m proud.

And i know what I’ve written today isn’t polished, but it’s okay. 

I’m bleeding and yes, I’m tired because of it.

I hope you’re well and you’re happy

Sophie 

Dear Diary

I want to keep saying sorry for all the times I’ve wanted to keep writing but couldn’t, I love blogging my mind and keeping my heart open, but university just come first.

I miss a lot of things, coming back from university makes me realise that. I hate not seeing some of my oldest and best friends, I hate not being around my family, and I hate not having time for myself. 

But don’t worry, this isn’t a reasons why I hate university post.

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for half a year now, and originally I was scared, I didn’t want to be hurt, but now I’m more in love than I ever thought possible. I’m saying this because even though my friends know I’m happy I still can’t quite explain the feeling that I have. 

I love someone, meaning their life effects me every single day, seeing them sad, hurt or angry almost kills me inside, I need them around me or I feel lonely.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I am someone who loves her family in Wales.

And I am someone who has fallen in love with her boyfriend from England.

And I know others may be going through this, may be hurting, feeling lonely.

I’m just here to say, no matter what, how far away they are. You are allowed to be lonely, but never feel unloved.

Always here, even when I’m not.

Soph x

Dear you,

It’s been quite a while, I know.

I apologise.

I’m not the best with sticking to things, but this blog has become something I’m proud of.

Anyway, the reason I was gone so long is *long dramatic pause* I’m back in university.

Don’t worry, I’m actually happy about being back. I genuinely love my university life and have done now for the last two years.

However, it is weird coming back for my second year.

I’m also aware however that I have been in university now since September (the last time I wrote) oops! Sorry – guess I needed to work out a schedule, though I promise I will write more now! BUT do forgive me if I do miss a week or two, unfortunately I can’t say that university is just me drinking and cwtching with my friends – not how it works! I do have a few assignments!

ANYWAY

I just wanted to give you a little advice if you’re thinking of going to uni/starting this September!

  1. Pack! Pack! Pack! – Please don’t believe you can leave it to the last minute, you will 100% forget something!
  2. Freshers Flu is very real! – You will get ill and yes it will suck, but don’t you worry, you get better soon!
  3. Enjoy it while you can. – My first year went SO quickly!
  4. Mixing with several groups of people can be quite frustrating and can cause drama, but you’ll meet more people this way – it’s really up to you who you want to be friends with, don’t force yourself to like anyone!
  5. Your sleeping pattern will become completely screwed! – so try and be productive, most university libraries are open 24/7, or start reading a book you’ve wanted to for a while!
  6. You will meet people who aren’t like you at all – quite honestly, these are the people you should give a chance, you’ll probably get on with them a lot more because they’ll introduce you to new things.
  7. You don’t have to drink if you don’t want to. – I hate missing out, I always used to feel really anxious about not being there when everyone is out, but seriously I realised this year that if you want to go out, you don’t have to drink, just go out and laugh with your slightly intoxicated friends.

Again, I’m sorry for long wait for another post, I promise to get back on track soon enough!

 

love always

Sophie x

Dear you,

Sometimes we all feel down or alone. Sometimes we try to avoid how we feel and sometimes we find ways of expressing ourselves, though they have consequences.

I push people away, and write.

A Poem.

Hi, I’m a disappointment.
I’m the youngest of three,
Nothing new there
Hi, I’m a disappointment.
I got good grades in my GCSEs and A-Levels,
but it doesn’t really matter.
Nothing new there.
Hi, I’m a disappointment.
I’m usually on my phone,
but when I’m off – no one speaks.
Nothing new there.
Hi, I’m a disappointment.
I’m overly sensitive,
But I’m an adult – and I get told to stop crying.
Nothing new there.
Hi, I’m a disappointment.
You’re thinking I’m complaining over nothing,
Stereotypical teenage angst right?
Then why are you still reading?
Whatever right.
Nothing knew there.
Hi, I’m a disappointment.
I can’t handle my feelings,
and therefore can’t stay stable.
Nothing new there.
Hi, I’m a disappointment.
I worry about my future –
If I have one.
Nothing new there.
Hi, I’m a disappointment.
I dress how I like and get judged,
By about five different reasons.
‘Too short’
‘Too dark’
‘Too different.’
Once again, nothing new there.
Hi, I’m a disappointment.
But I’m the only disappointment I’m going to get.

 

Don’t worry about me. I’m okay. Just a little sad sometimes – but that’s okay.

I hope you’re happy and I hope you have a good morning tomorrow.

 

Sophie

Dear you,

​On my first blog post I wrote about how I didn’t want sympathy or anything like that, and that’s still the case. However, recently I’ve just been inspired to write from the experiences in my personal life.

During my nineteen years of life, I’ve been through several kinds of mental illnesses, and I’m terribly tired of pretending that mental illness doesn’t exist or isn’t important enough to talk about. I suffer with anxiety, social anxiety to be specific. I’m also not going to attempt to define my mental illness because everyone who suffers with anxiety knows it is different to every individual who suffers with the condition. I personally suffer with anxious thoughts. For example, I am constantly thinking I’m doing something wrong or constantly think I’m hurting people by simply talking to them. Then one step further than that, I suffer with panic attacks, which put me in a state of mental isolation and fear. And though it has only happened once or twice, it can happen where I’ve made myself physically sick by making myself anxious.

Now to the more important part – why am I telling you this? 

To that I answer with – why shouldn’t I? Why is there stigma attached to my mental health? Why can’t I openly talk about something that I deal with every day? It’s the same with depression, whom a member of my family has had to deal with as of recent. And it kills me watching them pretend nothing is happening, and that it’s bad for them to even think that what’s wrong with them is something to be ashamed of.

It’s not. They shouldn’t have to feel alone. That’s not alright.

At one point in life, when I first started suffering with panic attacks, I got so paranoid that I was a freak – I didn’t say anything, when I started feeling anxious I’d hide away and not tell anyone what was happening. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I once felt – don’t be upset with who you are, it’s not embarrassing to suffer with anxiety or depression and the only reason people don’t talk about it more is the ignorance of the subject. I beg you to speak up and stop the pain staking ignorance surrounding mental illnesses!
There shouldn’t be a stigma attached to you for how you live. Your mental health is not a choice. It’s okay to not be okay (Sorry for the poor choice of stereotypical quotation) but it is true, I’m not okay, but I will be, I’ll have good days and I’ll have down days but it’s okay that I suffer with anxiety and it’s okay that my family member suffers with depression, because we are allowed to be different, we are allowed to be human.
No matter whom you are or what you go through in life: it is okay to be open and to be okay with your mental illness.

Keep safe 

Sophie

I’d also like to thank Chris who helped me write this, he’s actually started a new blog, hoping people who are too scared to openly talk about their mental health – feel free to go over there and open your heart out and start a future where we have no stigma attached to mental health. (I’ll link the new blog soon)