Dear you,

You can’t save everyone. 

I’ve been watching so many videos about how people deal with loss, and it’s weird how the first thought in everyone’s head is “how can I save them? How can I help?” Sometimes you can’t. You can’t save everyone.

When I was younger, I lost my nan. I was only little, but I knew something was wrong, my nan was always attached to tubes, which I later found out was oxygen, she was very sick. 

Now I loved my nan, she meant a lot to me and I was so scared of losing her. I wanted to save her.

She was constantly ill and it killed me a little inside, now the only problem with saying this story is people saying – everyone passes eventually, but I was about 11 years old when my nan passed away and I was completely and utterly heartbroken.

I was very depressed, I felt alone and I went to a dark place. I never really talked to my mother or father about it because I didn’t want them to know I was dying inside, they were sad enough.

I blamed myself, I don’t know why. And I never told my parents that. 

It hurt me so bad that I don’t think I ever got over my nan being gone. I got stronger, but I miss her still, very much until this day. Which is normal, because hurt is a human emotion that everyone is allowed to feel. 

I don’t like telling this story, because I feel like its an excuse of stupid pain I don’t know. I can’t even describe how weird it feels.

When my nan eventually passed away, I started getting extremely anxious, but not in a regular person way, I started getting panic attacks. And the worse part is I was too scared to tell my parents because I was scared of being weird also, they’d been through enough already.

I then started hating myself, and I went to a dark place, and even though my parents didn’t talk to me about it, they knew. I know they knew.

It’s taken me 8 years to truly kind of get a grip of myself. And now, I’m a 19 Year old who suffers with anxiety attacks but who’s going to university and actually trying hard with her life. And that’s okay, it’s okay to push forward. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay that you can’t save everyone. 

Love exists, irregardless of whether that person is physically with you or not.

I don’t know why I’ve decided to write this, I think I just wanted to get it out there because I’ve hurt, for a long time. It’s hard for me to tell this story, but it’s okay. It’s out there now.

Thank you for reading, I hope you’re okay.

Lots of love,

Sophie 

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2 thoughts on “Dear you,

  1. I hope that you feel better after sharing your story! I’m sorry about your Nan. And your anxiety. I know how it feels, I’ve suffered from anxiety & panic attacks too, and it’s the worst burden to bear. Sometimes parents don’t understand because they just can’t grasp what it’s like to feel that way. You’re very strong though, fighting through the anxiety! ❤️ Keep going!

    Liked by 1 person

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