Dear you #30,

I can’t even begin to explain how messed up this year has been.

This year started well, surrounded by friends, family and loved ones.

We had the snow storm of the century! Cancelling half my classes in uni and making travelling home nearly impossible!

I threw my first baby shower! It wasn’t perfect, but a lot of laughs were shared.

As the year went on, it got better – I graduated and survived university.

This year, my family got extended, my sister had her baby – she was beautiful, she still is beautiful.

My boyfriend turned 21 and we celebrated with love and laughter.

The first half of this year, was truly amazing. Something I never wish to forget.

Unfortunately, with ups comes downs.

I lost a family member. It was one of the hardest experiences of my life. It was so cruel and painful, it brought me back down. I’ve lost people before – but never like this. My cousin was an amazing, intelligent and beautiful person, who was in too much pain to keep going. Cancer is a bitch.

She remains thought of. She remains loved. She will always be remembered.

A few days later, I turned 21.

It was quite difficult, people say that turning 21 is supposed to be a birthday to remember – the sad thing was, I didn’t want to remember it.

I had amazing friends, who got me through the difficult time, they forced me to get out of bed and try my very best to be happy.

It was what I needed.

I couldn’t be more grateful for them.

As time went on I was walking on thin ice, if one tiny thing went wrong I seemed to break the ice and sink – it’s been frustrating to say the least.

My anxiety has hurt me this year, in ways it hasn’t for a long time.

I felt lonely and scared, even though I had everyone around me.

This year, I had hit rock bottom again.

The only thing is, now that I’m older and I know that this isn’t the end yet, I am able to get up a little better than before.

Once you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way is up.

I got a job – something I was terrified would never happen.

I made new friends who made me laugh and helped save me through the new experience when I felt scared.

I got to celebrate my boyfriend and I’s two year anniversary, it was beautiful.

I also got to celebrate Christmas with my family and my boyfriend. I got to be with everyone I loved.

I now get to spend the end of 2018 with my boyfriend and his family.

It’s been a messed up year, I can’t wait to start a hopefully better 2019.

This year was a mixture of emotions, I will say I’m happy it’s ending, although a lot of good things happened, the bad ended up hurting the good.

I can’t wait to see what the next year holds.

I wish you the best year, happy new year.

Sophie x

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Dear you #30,

I can’t even begin to explain how messed up this year has been.

This year started well, surrounded by friends, family and loved ones.

We had the snow storm of the century! Cancelling half my classes in uni and making travelling home nearly impossible!

I threw my first baby shower! It wasn’t perfect, but a lot of laughs were shared.

As the year went on, it got better – I graduated and survived university.

This year, my family got extended, my sister had her baby – she was beautiful, she still is beautiful.

My boyfriend turned 21 and we celebrated with love and laughter.

The first half of this year, was truly amazing. Something I never wish to forget.

Unfortunately, with ups comes downs.

I lost a family member. It was one of the hardest experiences of my life. It was so cruel and painful, it brought me back down. I’ve lost people before – but never like this. My cousin was an amazing, intelligent and beautiful person, who was in too much pain to keep going. Cancer is a bitch.

She remains thought of. She remains loved. She will always be remembered.

A few days later, I turned 21.

It was quite difficult, people say that turning 21 is supposed to be a birthday to remember – the sad thing was, I didn’t want to remember it.

I had amazing friends, who got me through the difficult time, they forced me to get out of bed and try my very best to be happy.

It was what I needed.

I couldn’t be more grateful for them.

As time went on I was walking on thin ice, if one tiny thing went wrong I seemed to break the ice and sink – it’s been frustrating to say the least.

My anxiety has hurt me this year, in ways it hasn’t for a long time.

I felt lonely and scared, even though I had everyone around me.

This year, I had hit rock bottom again.

The only thing is, now that I’m older and I know that this isn’t the end yet, I am able to get up a little better than before.

Once you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way is up.

I got a job – something I was terrified would never happen.

I made new friends who made me laugh and helped save me through the new experience when I felt scared.

I got to celebrate my boyfriend and I’s two year anniversary, it was beautiful.

I also got to celebrate Christmas with my family and my boyfriend. I got to be with everyone I loved.

I now get to spend the end of 2018 with my boyfriend and his family.

It’s been a messed up year, I can’t wait to start a hopefully better 2019.

This year was a mixture of emotions, I will say I’m happy it’s ending, although a lot of good things happened, the bad ended up hurting the good.

I can’t wait to see what the next year holds.

I wish you the best year, happy new year.

Sophie x

Dear you #29,

I’m actually kind of sick of people telling me it’s all in my head.

I have recently adapted to this place in my existence where I am not 100% and that’s okay. So that’s what I tell people – I’m not doing amazing, but I’m doing okay.

I still have bad anxiety. I still have good friends. I am still stuck in the void. I am still just okay.

But, I’m okay with being okay.

It’s better than being down again.

People keep telling me ‘you could be completely fine, but you’re stuck in your head.’ And that’s fine. But you’re not in my head, you don’t know what’s going on in there.

I am not 100%, I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100%.

But right now I’m okay, and honestly I’m 100% fine with feeling just okay.

Sophie.

Dear you #25,

Life kind of sucks, and I’m sorry I have to say that.

Being stuck in a bad mental space can cause you so many problems.

It can make you feel so lonely, and being lonely can make you feel stuck.

Stuck in a place where no one can hear you cry, where no one can see you hurt and no one can help you by.

Even when a tiny spark of good comes along, a massive rain cloud can screw you over again.

But, I’m being dramatic.

I’ve got friends, I’ve got family. I know I’m cared about.

I think I’m cared about. I hope I’m cared about.

But this is the problem.

You’re stuck in this place. A box you’ve built yourself. No way in and no way out. You’re in this alone.

You did this to yourself.

These kinds of bad days cause the good days to look dim.

You suddenly make yourself afraid to let anyone in.

You look at yourself and think the worst. I’m damaged. I’m broken. I’m not doing good.

Here you are again, back to your old ways. Pushing everyone you love away.

You’re nothing more than just a body of water.

You’re no longer your daddy’s daughter.

Family has become so distant, you’re not even realising you’re the one who caused it.

You’re making yourself worse because that’s what you know. You’re stuck in this loop of feeling low.

A bad mental day, can turn into a bad mental week. You’re finding it hard to stay up on your feet.

Your work becomes hard, your love becomes cold. And suddenly you realise you’re fully alone.

Everyone has tried to help. They’ve tried hundreds of times before.

Sometimes you just want to lay on the floor. Pretend you don’t exist, say to yourself ‘it would be easier’.

But why?

Why would stopping yourself entirely make everything better? These are just bad thoughts. These are just bad days.

Right?

Bad days that have turned into bad weeks, bad weeks that have turned into bad times.

Your mental health can bring you down.

But you can make it out alive.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Dear you all,

Sometimes your mental health gets the better of you and you end up in a pretty dark place.

I’ve been stuck in not a great place recently, no ones fault but my own, unfortunately.

Hey, it happens to the best of us.

I wrote this down in order to try and process what was going on through my head. Reading it back makes me feel crazy, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t help.

Anyways, my point is that I know this is dark. But no one can expect to be happy at all times. Check on people.

Thank you for reading the dark side of my brain.

Sophie x

PS. I have linked mental health lines that can help when you’re at your darkest in previous posts. I will eventually just create a giant thread for one soon I think.

I’m sorry.

Dear you #22,

I hope those who dislike change don’t mind my sudden adding numbers to my blog posts, I just feel like it adds an easier sorting system.

Anyways,

Hello once again.

This is a post to remind you lot to keep up-to-date!

I, over the last two months have been suffering with a bad case of glandular fever, what is this?

Google defines it as:

“an infectious viral disease characterised by swelling of the lymph glands and prolonged lassitude. Also called infectious mononucleosis.”

BASICALLY, my glands all over everywhere are fairly swollen and I’m achy.

It’s quite frustrating, but I digress.

I’ve learnt recently, especially being away from home – being sick is not fun when you haven’t got your mum or your family! Luckily enough, I have a boyfriend and a solid group of friends who care about me and look after me! But, it’s not quite the same as having your mum around! (and no, I’m not embarrassed at twenty years old to admit that I’m missing my mum and family!)

Once again, we are extremely lucky may I remind you all, that we all have mobile phones/ laptops or computers that let us get in contact with our loved ones. (Small reminder, if you haven’t call your mum, nan and other caring family members that you haven’t spoken to in a while, they probably want to hear from you!)

Anyways, back to my original point! Glandular fever, it’s taken a lot out of me, I’m tired all of the time and am being told to drink so much water! (ANOTHER side note, keep hydrated – go get a glass of water!)

I just want to remind myself more than anything to be honest with you (or those who are also sick!) that we should be giving our bodies more of a break – they do a lot! Take that week off work if you need to! Sleep in every now and again if you have to, just keep hydrated and healthy! OH! And most importantly happy.

Anyways, I hope you are well, and hope you don’t ever get glandular fever!

Sophie.

Dear you,

I hate writers block.
I hate writers block.
I hate writers block.
I hate writers block.

Quite honestly, I never planned to make this blog something I wanted to write in weekly – just more when I wanted to. However, I get so physically frustrated when I want to write down how I’m feeling and just can’t get it down. I hate writers block.

I want to tell you I’ve found a way of beating my writers block, but I just haven’t. I hate writers block.

So please if you have a way of beating writers block, tell me, because if you didn’t know – I hate writers block.

help me,

Sophie.

Dear you #37,

I have a pretty random music taste.

Every morning I find myself listening to completely different genres from different eras.

And I’m completely fine with that.

I’m happy.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about how music is enjoyed globally. It’s a universal love, no matter the language someone speaks, their age, the colour of their skin or the gender. Music plays a big part in everyone’s life.

In case you wanted (doubt you did), here are some of my favourite songs at the moment in no particular order:

Harmony Hall – Vampire Weekend

Mr. Blue Sky – Electric Light Orchestra

Medicate – Gabbie Hanna

Heroes – David Bowie

These songs, from different genres from different times all recently have made it in my daily playlist.

Basically they’re all bops.

Hope you’re all having a good time with your music taste.

What’s your favourite song right now?

Sophie x

Dear you #36,

This isn’t real life.

Social media I mean.

You are only seeing a small part of someone’s life – the good part, the part they want you to see.

Social media is a place where people will post photos of their happy moments. Photos with filters, photos Facetuned to blur out their insecurities that most people probably wouldn’t even notice.

Social media? It isn’t real life.

Social media is a place where people feel like if they tweet happy and motivating quotes people will like them or even retweet them.

Or worse, some people tweet sad things in the hope that people will relate.

I’m not saying this is everyone. All I’m saying is that everyone is dealing with something.

Don’t let social media and social media presence hurt you and your mental health.

Take a break every now and then.

Sophie x

Dear you #35,

I am so sick of being sick.

It’s a pain in the ass to stop everything you’re doing so you can make yourself well.

But it’s so important to give yourself time to heal, both physically and mentally.

Mental health is something I’m openly honest about – and I’m happy to be honest about it.

But for some reason for I don’t like talking about being physically sick.

I am happy to be feeling better finally! And I hope now to not be ill for a while (touch wood)!

So, please, if you’re feeling ill either mentally or you physically, give yourself a chance to heal and relax.

Even if you don’t want to!

Sophie x

Dear you #34,

We need to take mental health more seriously.

We need to take men’s mental health more seriously.

We need to take women’s mental health more seriously.

We need to take teenager’s mental health more seriously.

We need to take children’s mental health more seriously.

We should be teaching children about the importance of their mental health at a young age. Their physical health is watched, by making them play sport.

There are so many books and films we could show them, to make them aware that not feeling okay – is okay; we can show them that there are ways of feeling better. We can help them feel safe.

Everyone’s mental health is just as important as their physical health.

Sophie x

Dear you #33,

I love when the internet create a new challenge!

The 2009 vs 2019 / how hard did puberty hit you thing always makes me laugh!

And yes, I will put my version at the end.

I think putting up photos like this can be very fun, and it’s kinda nice to see throwbacks!

In 2009 I was 11 years old, which is actually crazy to me. I was one year into high school, it was a bizarre time…basically I hadn’t really grown into my face and I had no idea how to put makeup on, so I didn’t lol!

Here’s my thoughts on this all however – try not to look back too often. Live in the moment, be happy and your own authentic self.

Now, as promised –

Well, that’s actually hysterical to me.

Also, a little update from my last post: I passed my theory test! Absolutely thrilled about that, I get to focus more on learning ukulele now, which I’m happy about!

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve nailed twinkle twinkle little star!

Hopefully you’re doing okay and your New Years resolutions are doing really well.

And I really hope you’re happy and safe, because Brexit is stressing me tf out.

Until next time,

Sophie x

Dear you #32,

I feel like January has been a bizarre month already and we’re only 11 days in.

In these few days I have:

  • Kept up to date with my ukulele playing
  • Planned a last minute trip up to Aberystwyth
  • Kept uploading here
  • Been horrendously ill

And in the next few days I have my theory test in a few days – hopefully I’ll pass, but not the end of the world if I don’t!

Thing is…I am in this weird state of limbo where I’m content in life – but somehow unfulfilled? I don’t know if that’s something everyone feels?

I am working in a job where I know what I’m doing and I like everyone who I work with, but it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I want to be creative and I don’t quite think I’m letting out my creative side enough…does anyone have any idea on how to let out some creativity? I’m willing to try anything!

Hope your January is going well.

Sophie x

Dear you #31,

I hope you’ve had a good start to your new year.

I have a New Years resolution this year – well actually I have two.

The first is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, I’ve finally plucked the courage to buy a ukulele and learn to play.

It’s not a massive pressure to me however.

As my second resolution is to follow the quote ‘new year, no pressure’.

Putting unnecessary pressure on myself is actually something I do a lot. It’s actually one of my worst habits.

This year I want that to stop.

I am going to try my very best to not put pressure on myself.

Over the last few years I’ve kept myself with heavy shoulders due to the sheer amount of pressure:

  • Need to lose weight
  • Need to go on my phone less
  • Need to put myself out there more.

These are all fine things, but it’s a lot of pressure to put on someone.

I chose to learn to play ukulele for fun because I don’t know how to do anything like that – so it’s new.

It’s also something I am doing purely for me, which isn’t something I do very often.

My 2019 is off to a kind of weird start, but hopefully it’ll only go up from here.

Good luck in your year,

Sophie x